A Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).
Original Air Date: October 10, 2000
Transcriber's Notes:
Teaser
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Dawn sitting on her bed writing in her diary.
DAWN VOICEOVER: No one knows who I am. Not the real me. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
BUFFY: I know it's always been this way. She's the baby.
Shot of Dawn in the shadows.
BUFFY: But for some reason lately, it's just really getting to me.
RILEY: Well, yeah. You're like her idol, Buffy.
Anya grabbing Dawn's shoulder.
ANYA: What do you think you're doing?
DAWN: Leave me alone.
ANYA: I will after you come back inside the house. (Grabs Dawn and starts shoving her back toward the door.)
DAWN: Let go of me! (breaks free)
ANYA: No, it's not safe out here!
Shot of vampire growling.
Shot of vampire hitting Anya, who goes flying into Joyce's kitchen and collapses on the floor.
XANDER: Anya!
Xander and Riley helping Anya up.
RILEY: This head wound looks bad. We gotta get her to the hospital.
Fade in on Buffy, Riley, Xander, and Anya sitting in Xander's basement. The guys are sitting on the sofa, with the girls sitting on the floor each in front of her respective boyfriend. They're watching TV, except Buffy, who has a book in her lap and is studying it. Xander's holding the TV remote. Anya's right arm is in a sling.
XANDER: Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
ANYA: We think the cat peed on it.
On the TV, one Asian guy screams, and a bunch of other Asian guys perform kung-fu on each other.
XANDER: I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness. (Gestures at the dryer)
RILEY: Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch.
Upstairs we hear a door slam.
XANDER: (looking up) Ah, I guess the folks are back.
We can hear voices yelling at each other. Xander, Anya, and Riley look uncomfortable. Buffy is oblivious.
XANDER: No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
More yelling from upstairs. Then there's a bang (another door slamming?). Plaster dust from the ceiling drifts down onto Anya.
XANDER: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
Riley laughs, then notices Buffy isn't paying attention.
RILEY: Hey Buffy, how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names?
BUFFY: (not listening) I'm fine.
Riley leans forward, reaching his arms over Buffy's shoulders and placing his palms on the book pages.
BUFFY: Heyyy. I'm enjoying the studying.
RILEY: Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie.
BUFFY: I guess it has been a long day with the crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some (looks up at TV) ooh, fighting.
Onscreen, the kung-fu guys argue. Their mouths move, and we hear the English that has been badly dubbed in.
XANDER: Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
ANYA: Much more durable than their hot plates.
Riley leans forward to rub Buffy's shoulders.
RILEY: Just relax.
BUFFY: Mm ... mm. That feels good.
Xander looks at them, cracks his knuckles, and puts his hands on Anya's shoulders.
ANYA: Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder! (Xander stops rubbing. Riley stops rubbing Buffy's shoulders too.) I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie.
BUFFY: Hey! Rubbing went away.
Riley starts rubbing again.
RILEY: Oh ... sorry, I got caught up in the action. (gesturing at TV)
BUFFY: Yeah, it's pretty good.
On screen, the fighting continues.
BUFFY: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. (scornfully) From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
RILEY: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
BUFFY: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and ... invading all willy-nilly.
More shouting and banging from upstairs. Xander and Anya shift uncomfortably. Riley coughs.
BUFFY: And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander?
XANDER: (distracted by the noise from upstairs) What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?"
Cut to a dark lair filled with steam or smoke. Cheesy dramatic music. A demon is tending to a huge cauldron full of bubbling yellow liquid. Steam rises from it. The demon pulls the hood of his cloak back, so we can see he has brownish skin with cracks through which yellowish light(?) shows. His eyes are sunken and red, and his voice is very deep.
TOTH: The last step in thy forging is my pain ... the price with which I purchase ... the death of the slayer.
He has some kind of rod or stick in his hand. He plunges it into the cauldron, along with his hand. He screams in pain.
Wolf howl. Opening credits.
Guest starring Michael Bailey Smith, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by James A. Contner.
Fade in on a nice modern apartment building surrounded by bushes and grass. We see a "For Rent" sign outside.
Cut to interior hallway.
WILLOW: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway.
We see Willow, Anya, Xander, Buffy, and Riley walking down the hall. Xander wears a yellow T-shirt with a brightly flowered Hawaiian shirt over it. Anya still has her arm in the sling.
WILLOW: We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
BUFFY: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
RILEY: Really? I will.
XANDER: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated.
ANYA: But you have references.
XANDER: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. (Does important voice) 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.'
Anya opens a door and they walk into the apartment. It's large and spacious.
WILLOW: Whoa! Big!
BUFFY: It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean.
Xander looks less than thrilled.
ANYA: I want it. Pay anything.
WOMAN: (OS) Xander Harris?
The real-estate manager woman enters, smiling at Riley.
RILEY: Uh, no, Riley Finn. (shakes her hand) This is Xander.
Xander wipes his hand on his shirt before holding it out.
XANDER: Hey.
He and the manager shake hands.
MANAGER: Ah.
XANDER: I brought my friends.
MANAGER: I see.
XANDER: They wouldn't always be around.
WILLOW: But we're clean and-and quiet.
Xander looks nervous. The Manager looks uncertain.
ANYA: (Standing in the living room, gesturing around) We can have the scooby meetings in the living room, and-and Giles can explain the boring things over there.
WILLOW: (going into kitchen) Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.
MANAGER: Phone and electricity are hooked up. There's a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space... (sees Xander opening a door) And that's the bedroom.
Xander opens the door and finds Buffy and Riley sitting on the bed, smooching.
XANDER: Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom?
Buffy and Riley look around pointedly.
XANDER: Okay, good point.
He walks away. In the background we see Buffy and Riley getting up.
MANAGER: I brought an application for you to fill out. (giving Xander a piece of paper)
XANDER: An application? I can't just ... tell you my references? Because there's Albert.
MANAGER: We run your credit check based on the application.
XANDER: Oh! Credit check. (nervously, to the others) Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are. (Laughs nervously. The others laugh politely.)
MANAGER: And we'll be asking for first, last, security, and a small cleaning deposit. The total's at the bottom of the sheet there.
Xander looks at the sheet. Riley, Buffy, and Willow lean in to look too. Anya comes over and glances briefly at the sheet.
ANYA: (to Manager) He'll take it. (to Xander) Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. (to Manager) He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate.
XANDER: (laughs nervously) Anya, can we talk quietly over there? (to Manager) Excuse us.
He pulls Anya aside, leaving the other three with the Manager. They smile nervously at her.
RILEY: Uh, we, uh ... we like the ceiling fan.
WILLOW: Yes. It's very, you know, kind of old south.
BUFFY: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
ANYA: (OS) But why can't we have it?
Cut over to Xander and Anya across the room.
XANDER: (quietly) I told you, my construction job is ending, and I won't have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place.
ANYA: So when I wanna visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?
XANDER: Not forever. Just until things come together.
ANYA: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now, things are looking pretty untogether, and you can't expect me just to wait around for- (Her voice rises and the others try not to notice)
XANDER: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
ANYA: (loudly) What's going on with me is my arm hurts ... and I'm tired ... and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have.
She stalks out. Manager looks a little suspicious. The others smile gamely.
XANDER: (with a big fake smile) I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
He takes the application, puts it on a counter and begins filling it out. Manager watches, looking skeptical.
Cut to exterior shot of the magic shop.
Cut to inside. Giles is surrounded by boxes, looking at one.
GILES: (to himself) "Miscellaneous curses." (laughs, picks up something unidentifiable from the box) Brilliant. Be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist.
He picks up the box, turns, and is confronted by Toth.
GILES: Oh!
TOTH: (raising his stick) The slayer is not here.
Giles grabs something out of the box and holds it up toward Toth.
GILES: Rabbit's foot, no, wait... (Tosses it aside and looks in the box for something else. Toth brushes the box out of Giles' hands. Giles gasps and holds up a wooden statue about a foot and a half high.)
TOTH: That is a fertility god. (Giles looks at it in dismay) Feeble man, you are not going to distract me-
Giles hits him in the head with the statue. He reels backward. Giles hits him with the statue a few more times, then Toth shoves Giles, and he falls into a pile of boxes.
TOTH: (pointing the stick at Giles) You are not the slayer. (Giles rolls over and looks up at him) You do not concern me.
Toth turns and walks out, his black cape flowing behind him. Giles watches, stunned, then lets his head drop back onto the floor with a groan.
Cut to a shot of Giles standing, holding the statue, making hitting motions.
GILES: Like this ... and this ... and this...
The camera follows him as he moves across the magic shop floor, and we see Riley, Buffy, Willow, and Xander. The girls sit on the floor with books in their laps. The guys are standing around watching Giles demonstrate what happened.
RILEY: That thing's pretty heavy.
WILLOW: That's Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her.
BUFFY: How badly did you hurt him?
GILES: Well, hurt, uh ... maybe not ... hurt.
WILLOW: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.
GILES: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
BUFFY: (grinning) He ran away, huh?
GILES: Um, sort of more ... uh ... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
GILES: (insulted) Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
WILLOW: (holding up a book) Some good demons in this one. See if your guy's in here.
Giles walks over to take the book.
XANDER: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony?
RILEY: (hefting the Oofdar statue) Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. (takes a few experimental swings)
GILES: (looking up from the book) Toth.
RILEY: What?
BUFFY: He called you a Toth. It's a Brit