Buffy Episode #85: “Fool for Love” Transcript

Written by
Douglas Petrie


Prologue

1	EXT.   SUNNYDALE CEMETERY- NIGHT	1

All is quiet in the mist-shrouded graveyard. Suddenly, the peace is shattered as BUFFY pounds a VAMPIRE dressed like a Van Halen reject to the ground.

BUFFY
You know, it's probably none of my business but I just gotta ask...

The vampire lunges at her and she backhands it.

BUFFY
You smell this bad when you were alive?

She kicks the vampire into a headstone.

BUFFY
'Cause if it's a post-mortem thing, then boy, is my face red...

She flips him over the headstone and whips out a stake.

BUFFY
But just so you know, the fast-growing field of personal grooming has come a long way since you became a vampire.

Buffy somersaults over the headstone, stake raised and ready to strike. But the vampire seizes her arm as she lands, spins her around and plunges the stake into Buffy's abdomen. Her eyes go wide with shock and pain as she looks down at the stake protruding from her body.

Opening credit sequence.


ACT I

2	EXT.   SUNNYDALE CEMETERY- NIGHT	2

Resume. Buffy looks down in horror at the stake in her gut. She grips the shaft and, with a gasp of pain, pulls it out. Her sweater is soaked with her blood.

For the first time in a long time, Buffy feels fear. She turns and flees, trying to escape the vampire. The hunter had become the hunted. Her wound slows her, however, and she casts terrified glances over her shoulder.

Suddenly, the vampire leaps in front of her and she stops with a gasp, looking around desperately for an escape route.

ROCKER VAMPIRE
You're going? But you were having so much fun a minute ago!

Buffy brings the stake up but the creature easily knocks it from her grasp and tosses her against a nearby crypt. She doubles over in pain as the vampire picks up her stake and approaches with a predatory grin.

Buffy is helpless. She realizes that this is the moment she's been dreading but always knew would come. She's going to die.

As the vampire raises the stake for the killing blow, he's suddenly tackled to the ground by RILEY. He rains blows down on the demon and takes out a taser but the vampire knocks it from his hand before he can use it and takes off across the graveyard. Riley is about to give chase when he notices Buffy's obvious distress and rushes to her aid.

RILEY
Buffy! What happened?

She holds up her bloody hands, then collapses in arms, unconscious.

CUT TO:

3	INT.   SUMMERS HOME- BUFFY'S ROOM- DAY	3

Riley is applying first aid and dressing Buffy's wound.

BUFFY
I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?

RILEY
Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound.

BUFFY
You said it wasn't that bad.

RILEY
I said I've seen worse. There's a difference.

BUFFY
Well, at least no major organs got kebabed.

RILEY
I still think you need to see a real doctor.

BUFFY
That would put me in a real hospital which would get my real mom real freaked out. I can't do it. Don't worry. Accelerated healing powers come with the Slayer package. And the boyfriend who comes complete with combat medical training? That's just a Buffy Summers bonus.

RILEY
So tell me about the bad guy- or guys. What do you think they were?

BUFFY
Vampire.

RILEY
How many?

BUFFY
One.

Riley is surprised.

RILEY
So... what? He was like a super-vampire or something?

BUFFY
No, he was the regular kind. He just beat me.

RILEY
That ever happen before?

BUFFY
I'm in the best physical shape of my life. I mean, if you're asking how it happened, I don't-

The door flies open and DAWN runs in.

BUFFY
Dawn!

DAWN
Sorry to interrupt the sex-capades. I just wanted to tell you that Mom's coming.

Riley hides the bandages and tape just as JOYCE enters the room.

JOYCE
Hi, Riley.

RILEY
Hey, Mrs. Summers. How're you feeling?

JOYCE
I'm fine, bordering on chipper and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious.

RILEY
(smiles)
Glad to hear it.

JOYCE
Buffy, when you have a minute I'd like to go over the grocery list for next week.

BUFFY
You got it.

JOYCE
(re: alcohol)
Are you disinfecting something?

BUFFY
Huh? Oh, uh-

DAWN
Mine! Some nail polish experiments are doomed before they even begin.

JOYCE
But you keep pushing the envelope, honey.

Joyce smiles and leaves, closing the bedroom door behind her.

DAWN
(smiles; to Buffy)
Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on, who's the man?

BUFFY
You are. A very short, annoying man.

Stung, Dawn's smile fades.

BUFFY
If I show you something, you promise you won't tell?

Dawn crosses her heart and Buffy lifts her shirt to reveal the bandaged stab wound. Dawn is awed.

DAWN
Oh, cool! (off Buffy's look) I mean, gross!

BUFFY
And Mom cannot know. Okay? You'll help me with the household stuff?

DAWN
Oh, sure. I save your butt and you dump all your chores on me. (off Buffy's look) I got it. You're covered. We're good. Just lucky it's not bikini season.

Buffy smiles and strokes Dawn's hair.

RILEY
So Dawn takes household duty. I'll take tonight's patrol.

BUFFY
By yourself?

RILEY
Just a sweep.

BUFFY
Do me a favor? Will you take the gang along with?

RILEY
Okay. I will patrol with the group tonight.

DAWN
When do I get to patrol?

BUFFY
Not until you're never.

CUT TO:

4	EXT.   SUNNYDALE CEMETERY- NIGHT	4

Riley moves stealthily among the headstones, ducking from shadow to shadow. He pauses behind a large marble slab and raises his arm, fist closed, and pumps it up and down twice before moving further into the cemetery.

WILLOW, ANYA and XANDER follow about twenty yards behind him, munching potato chips and making no effort to conceal themselves.

XANDER
(to Willow)
What's with the hand move? Does that like mean something?

WILLOW
It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo".

She mimics pulling a train whistle.

ANYA
It means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

They watch Riley's covert movements for a moment, then Willow turns to Xander.

WILLOW
Ask.

XANDER
(yells)
Hey, Riley! What's the (hand gesture) all about?

RILEY
(exasperated)
It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.

XANDER
(to Willow)
See, now he's all mean and sarcastic.

WILLOW
That's because you were doing all the yelling, Mr. Stealthy-Pants.

ANYA
(to Riley)
It's their fault.

RILEY
Guys, I'm thinking if we split up, we could cover more ground. Tell you what? I'll take the cemeteries, you guys get the Bronze.

ANYA
Are we not being covert enough?

XANDER
We're sorry!

WILLOW
Sorry.

XANDER
We'll be sneakier. Promise.

He munches loudly on a handful of chips.

RILEY
Okay. Just ditch the chips and watch my back.

WILLOW
Done.

She reaches into the bag and grabs a handful of chips herself before setting the bag down. Riley moves off into the cemetery again.

XANDER
(to Anya)
You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? It's just so cool.

WILLOW
(munching)
I think you're cool.

CUT TO:

5	INT.   THE MAGIC BOX- NIGHT	5

The reading table is piled high with books. GILES and Buffy are into some deep research.

GILES
Here's another one. Early 18th Century Slayer.

Buffy closes her book with a sigh and sets it on the stack.

BUFFY
Good. Let's hope she'll be more helpful than this last one.

GILES
Why? What does it say?

BUFFY
Same as all the others. Slayer called... blah, blah... great protector... blah, blah... scary battles... blah, blah... oops! She's dead. Where are the details?

GILES
Details? Well, it says this Slayer forged her own weapons.

He hands the book to Buffy.

BUFFY
Gotta love a gal with an anvil. But where are the details of the Slayer's last battle? You know, what made that fight special? Why did she lose?

GILES
You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just-

BUFFY
Got really close. I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever and still I... (beat) And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.

GILES
Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...

BUFFY
It's okay to use the D-word, Giles.

GILES
Dead. And hence not very forthcoming.

BUFFY
Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.

GILES
Well, I suppose if they're anything like me, they just find the whole subject too-

BUFFY
Unseemly? Damn. Love ya but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.

GILES
Painful... I was going to say.

Buffy and Giles share a meaningful look.

GILES
But you're right. Accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.

Buffy has a sudden revelation.

GILES
What?

CUT TO:

6	INT.   SPIKE'S CRYPT- NIGHT	6

Buffy shoves SPIKE against the wall and holds him there.

SPIKE
Ow! (beat) Wait. Not ow. You feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts.

Buffy spins him around to face her.

BUFFY
Don't even start, Spike.

SPIKE
What do you want?

BUFFY
Slayers. You killed two of them.

SPIKE
(wary)
I did.

BUFFY
You're gonna show me how.

FADE OUT


ACT II

7	INT.   THE BRONZE- NIGHT	7

Spike and Buffy sit at a corner table. Spike greedily drains a mug of beer while Buffy stoically watches.

SPIKE
You know, there quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This unfortunately is not one of them.

BUFFY
Update, Spike. We're not here to discuss the fine choice of hops. It's about two Slayers: one in China during the Boxer Rebellion, one in New York.

She holds up a wad of cash and snatches it back as he tries to grab for it.

BUFFY
Both got killed by you. Tell the tale, you get the cash.

SPIKE
Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.

BUFFY
That's not what I-

SPIKE
What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings.

BUFFY
What?

SPIKE
Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish.

Buffy sighs and turns to signal a waitress.

BUFFY
Excuse me-

The movement aggravates her injury and she winces in pain.

SPIKE
As I thought. Some nasty thing got a taste of you.

BUFFY
Don't get all excited. I'm fine.

SPIKE
Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, diggin' up past uglies, 'cause you're fine.

BUFFY
Just tell me what I want to know.

SPIKE
I told you. No one's narrating on an empty stomach here.

Buffy shakes her head in exasperation.

BUFFY
Were you born this big a pain in the ass?

SPIKE
What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

CUT TO:

8	INT.   LONDON (1880)- VICTORIAN PARLOR- NIGHT	8

A very different Spike is sitting and composing poetry off in the corner of a dinner party. The spirited laughter of the party-goers can be heard in the background. Spike's hair is long and unruly and he's dressed as a proper gentleman, complete with tie and reading spectacles. He's awkward and bookish- none of the confident swagger we're used to.

SPIKE
(to himself)
Luminous... oh, no, no, no. Irradiant's better.

A WAITER approaches and holds out a tray.

WAITER
Care for an hors d'oeuvre, sir?

SPIKE
Oh, quickly! I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word as many words go but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see.

The waiter smiles patronizingly and moves off into the crowd. Spike's eyes are drawn to CECILY, young woman just entering the party.

SPIKE
Cecily...

He turns back to his poem with renewed purpose and jots down several more lines, then gets up and moves through the crowd toward her.

TITLE CARD: London, 1880

CUT TO:

A group of young ARISTOCRATs- a woman and her two male companions- are gathered, discussing current events.

ARISTOCRAT #1
I mean to point out that it's something of a mystery and the police should keep an open mind.

One of the men turns to Spike as he passes by.

ARISTOCRAT #2
(to Spike)
Ah, William! Favor us with your opinion. What do you make of this rash of disappearances sweeping through our town? Animals or thieves?

SPIKE
(haughty)
I prefer not to think of such dark, ugly business at all. That's what the police are for. (looks at Cecily) I prefer placing my energies into creating things of beauty.

The third aristocrat snatches the poem from Spike's hands.

ARISTOCRAT #3
I see. Well, don't withhold, William.

ARISTOCRAT #1
Rescue us from a dreary topic.

SPI