A Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode written by David Fury, and transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).
Original Air Date: November 21, 2000
Transcriber's Notes:
TeaserGLORY: You keep refusing to tell me where the key is!
Monk talking to Buffy.
MONK: We had to hide the key ... made it human and sent it to you.
Buffy brushing hair back from Dawn's face.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: Dawn.
DAWN: What's wrong with Mom?
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
BUFFY: I don't know.
Riley talking to Xander.
RILEY: Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like, half of me is just ... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. But she doesn't love me.
Riley talking to Buffy.
RILEY: I know you got a lot on your mind. You decide you wanna let me in on any of it, you let me know.
Riley in Willy's bar talking to Sandy.
SANDY: We ... could go somewhere else. Someplace more ... private.
RILEY: Ohhhh, Sandy, Sandy. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires.
Spike and Buffy kissing.
BUFFY: Spike. I want you.
SPIKE: God, I love you so much.
Spike sitting up in bed.
SPIKE: Oh god, no. Please no.
Buffy talking to Joyce.
BUFFY: Are you okay?
JOYCE: You know the nothing that I've been dealing with the last couple of weeks? I-it might not be nothing.
BUFFY: What is it?
JOYCE: I'm, uh, staying overnight at the hospital for observation. I'm getting a CAT scan.
Buffy sitting on the back steps crying, putting her face in her hands.Fade in on hospital CAT scan room. Joyce lies on the machine, wearing a hospital gown. We see a glass window, behind which two technicians are standing. The machine makes noises as the part Joyce is lying on slides into it. Close-up on Joyce's face. She closes her eyes. Long shot of the machine. Close-up on Joyce's face again, her eyes open again. She closes them again.
Cut to Dawn fiddling with a bracelet on her right wrist. A hand comes into view and gives her a can of soda. It's Buffy. Dawn looks up at her. She sits down next to Dawn and opens her own can.
DAWN: What is a CAT scan exactly?
BUFFY: I don't know. It's some ... x-ray, I guess.
DAWN: Where do they get the CAT scan from? I mean, do they test it on cats or ... or does the machine sort of look like a cat?
BUFFY: Dawn, I'm really...
She stops herself as Dawn gives her an apprehensive look. Buffy puts her arm around Dawn and brings Dawn's head to rest on her shoulder. She kisses the top of Dawn's head.
Long shot of them sitting there in the hospital waiting room as various staff people walk by.Cut to a telephone book, open to a page where we see a large advertisement for the Magic Box.
TARA VOICEOVER: "Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs."
We see Tara and Giles standing behind the counter, looking at the ad.
TARA: Catchy.
GILES: Think so?
TARA: Uh-huh. In a ... hard to read sort of way, but I think it's great.
GILES: Oh.Tara moves away as Giles studies the ad and soundlessly mouths the words to himself. The door opens and Anya enters, followed by Xander and Willow. Anya immediately begins straightening the merchandise on the shelves.
XANDER: I'm just saying, I think it's rude.
WILLOW: I wouldn't call it rude.
XANDER: Rude-ish. Rude-esque. Whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for your co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?
GILES: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
TARA: Oh, the-the new phone book's in with Mr. Giles' ad.Anya races around the counter, shoving past Tara.
WILLOW: Oh, nice.
ANYA: Yay! Am I mentioned? (looking eagerly at the ad)
GILES: Not as such.
ANYA: (disappointed) Oh.
XANDER: Okay, we were supposed to hook up with Riley this morning, to take on a nest o'vamps holed up in a tomb? So we get there, and guess what? Tell him, Will.
WILLOW: Tomb go boom.
XANDER: Yep. Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone wolf lonesome.
GILES: Hmm, uh, rather reckless of him. (We see Anya still studying the ad.)
XANDER: I'd say very rather.
GILES: All that aside, I should think you'd be pleased to avoid the confrontation.
ANYA: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. (Suddenly gets a look of realization on her face; excitedly) Which really just goes to show how much I've grown! (Smiles hugely. Willow and Tara grin at each other)
GILES: Yes, well, um, in any event, uh, since you're all here, Tara and I could use your help researching Buffy's mysterious woman.
XANDER: Oh yeah, this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you ... never saw and don't know the name of.
ANYA: Just do what I do: flip through the pages and look busy.
WILLOW: It'd be nice if we knew where she was, where she's hiding out.
XANDER: No doubt lurking around some sewer or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse. You know, the usual haunts.Cut to: a beautiful, well-appointed apartment. Glory reclines on a round bed surrounded by shoeboxes. A demon dressed in monk's clothing is kneeling on the floor, holding a scroll.
DREG: Most beauteous and supremely magnificent one, this dark spell I hold in my worthless and scabby hand is our gift to you, most tingly and wonderful Glorificus...
GLORY: (trying on a shoe) Please, call me Glory. And get up, looking at you is hurting my neck.
DREG: (gets up) Forgive me, shiny special one. I beg of you to rip out my inadequate tongue.
GLORY: (reaches out her hand) Gimme.Dreg grins and walks forward, sticking out his tongue. Glory waits till he's close enough and then grabs the scroll.
DREG: Oh. (laughs nervously) I thought... (still laughing as Glory examines the paper) You should know, your elaborate marvelousness, that this dark incantation has been lost for eons...
GLORY: Uh-huh. (trying on another shoe)
DREG: And great dangers have been faced to...
GLORY: (sticking her leg straight up in the air) Does this pump make my ankle look bony?
DREG: No! No, no, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. (Glory ignores him, trying on another shoe) To touch such an ankle would be - but I'm not touching. I'm backing away.Glory kicks out her foot and the shoe flies off it, hitting Dreg in the forehead.
DREG: Ow! Thank you.
GLORY: Dreg, is it? (Gets up)
DREG: Yes. Dreg. Your creamy coolness has honored me by speaking my name. Your voice is like a thousand sweet songbirds that-
GLORY: (irritated) Yeah, I never tire of hearing that. Look, just so we're clear, the spell's gonna work, right? (Dreg nods anxiously. Glory turns and goes to the window, peeking around the curtain) I mean, nothing worse than a gift that doesn't work. Then I'd have to get all mad and kill you! (apologetically) It's this whole big thing.
DREG: It will work, your extremeness. Provided you have the other items you need.
GLORY: Don't worry. I'll have them all right.She walks past him to where a copy of the phone book is sitting open to the page with Giles' ad. She tears out the page and smiles at it.
GLORY: I'll have it all.Wolf howl. Opening credits.
Guest starring Clare Kramer, Charlie Weber, Kevin Weisman, William Forward, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by David Fury, directed by Daniel Attias.
Act I
Exterior of the Summers house, day. Riley approaches the front door and finds it slightly ajar. He knocks and walks in.
RILEY: (calling) Hello? Buffy?He takes off his jacket, then notices something on the floor and picks it up. It's a blanket. He frowns, looks up the stairs, drops both blanket and jacket and starts up the stairs.
Cut to: Spike holding a pink sweater up to his face and inhaling deeply. He lowers the sweater, sighing happily, then takes another sniff as Riley appears behind him.
RILEY: What are you doing in here?Spike whirls around and we see he's in Buffy's bedroom. He quickly hides the sweater behind his back.
SPIKE: What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are *you* doing here?
RILEY: Looking for the girl who's gonna rip your arms off when she finds out you were in her bedroom. (Walks forward.)
SPIKE: Oh yeah? Well ... me too.Riley glances down, makes a move toward Spike's hands. Spike flinches backward and tries to maneuver so Riley can't see what he's holding.
RILEY: (bemused) Were you ... were you just smelling her sweater?
SPIKE: (scoffs) No. (Riley glares at him) Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a ... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (He sniffs the sweater again) Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating!Spike presses the sweater against his face and makes angry growling noises. Riley snatches the sweater away from him, tosses it aside, then grabs Spike by the front of his shirt.
RILEY: Out.As Riley hustles Spike out, Spike grabs a piece of lacy pink underwear from a drawer.
Riley hurries down the stairs, pulling Spike after him.
SPIKE: Hey, watch it! Easy, you're bruising the leather! (They reach the bottom of the stairs and Riley lets go) Look. I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here.
RILEY: Right. What's a little sweater-sniffing between sworn enemies.
SPIKE: Your girl in the habit of buying her enemies drinks? 'Cause she spent the better part of last night with me, (smugly) doing just that.
RILEY: 'Cause you guys are such tight pals.
SPIKE: Yeah.
RILEY: That's good. Tell me another.
SPIKE: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory,