A Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner, and transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).
Original Air Date: November 28, 2000
Transcriber's Notes:
TeaserGILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Sandy rubbing Riley's chest.
Sandy leaning in to bite Riley. He thrusts her away and she crumbles to dust.
DREG: This dark spell I hold in my worthless hand is our gift to you, Glorificus...
GLORY: (trying on a shoe) Please, call me Glory.
TARA: What if she's something else altogether?
GILES: Something new, you mean?
TARA: (shakes head) Something old. So old it pre-dates the written word.
Glory in the warehouse with the tied-up monk.
SECURITY GUARD: Lady, whatever you are, please ... I have two daughters.
Glory screaming and putting her hands on the security guard's head. Light streams out of his eyes and mouth. Glory makes a pained face.
The guard slumping to the floor with Glory on top of him.
Monk talking to Buffy.
MONK: The key ... is energy. My brethren sent it to you.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: Dawn.
GILES: She has no idea.
BUFFY: No. She thinks she's my kid sister.
Buffy putting her arm around Dawn in the hospital, drawing Dawn's head onto her shoulder.
BUFFY VOICEOVER: I have to take care of her.
Joyce in the CAT scan machine.
DOCTOR: Your mother has ... low-grade glioma. It's a brain tumor.
Buffy reacting.Episode begins: A tray of hospital food. A hand picks up a piece of green Jello. Pull back to discover Joyce and Dawn sitting in the hospital bed while Buffy sits beside the bed. Joyce has a bandage on her forehead. Dawn is eating green Jello with her fingers.
JOYCE: Listen you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise, I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.
BUFFY: You kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays.
DAWN: (licking fingers) I like the Jello.
JOYCE: (laughs) Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
DAWN: It's good and wiggly. (speaks with mouth full) This girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground-up cow's feet, and that if you eat Jello there's some cows out limping with no feet.Joyce and Buffy grimace.
DAWN: But I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet. (Suddenly nervous) Right?
BUFFY: (to Joyce) You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.A doctor enters.
JOYCE: Oh, hello, Dr. Kriegel, um, you know my girls, (gestures to them) Buffy and Dawn.
DR. KRIEGEL: Yes, of course. You two are becoming part of the regular crew around here.
BUFFY: Just keeping her company.
DR. KRIEGEL: Good. Just be careful you don't wear her out.
JOYCE: Ohh, don't worry about that. I woke up exhausted, there's really no more exhausted to get.The doctor takes Joyce's chart and looks at it.
DR. KRIEGEL: Well, maybe some good news will help. The blood work's come back from the lab, and everything seems fine. So, we've scheduled your surgery for day after tomorrow at ten in the morning.Buffy and Joyce sober up at this.
DR. KRIEGEL: How's that sound to you?
JOYCE: Oh, well, I think they had me scheduled for volleyball, but, ah, we can work around it.
DR. KRIEGEL: (laughs) All right. Joyce, you take care. Make sure you get some good solid rest. And I mean that. (Exits)JOYCE: Uhh, the day after tomorrow. I don't think I can stand to stay here another two days just waiting.
BUFFY: Waiting? Gimme a break, we got, we got tons to do.
DAWN: We have soap operas to watch and trashy magazines to read.
BUFFY: And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone will keep me busy for four hours or so.
JOYCE: Oh, I really don't need you to stay here, Buffy. I know you've got patrolling to do.
BUFFY: Not tonight. Tonight I have mom-taking-care-of to do. And besides, Riley's filling in for me with the others. I'm sure they have everything under control.Cut to: graveyard, night. Giles has a dark-haired female vampire in a choke-hold from behind while Willow attacks from the front. The vampire shoves Willow away and twists out of Giles' grip.
Another female vampire, this one blonde, throws Xander to the ground as the first one throws Giles over her shoulder. The blonde vampire grabs Xander's shirt and pulls him upright.
Willow gets to her feet, holding a stake. She rushes at the brunette vampire, but the vampire grabs her, lifts her over her head, and throws her to the ground.
Xander rushes the blonde vampire from behind and she grabs him in a headlock and punches him in the face.
Giles rushes the brunette vampire and tries to lift her over his shoulder but she punches him in the back and then knees him in the chest.
The blonde vampire still has Xander in a headlock and is punching him.
Giles reels to his feet, disoriented, and the brunette vampire punches him in the face.
Xander breaks free of the blonde vampire and she punches him in the face with both her hands clasped together.
Willow gets to her feet again as the two female vamps are beating up on Giles and Xander. She picks up her stake and runs forward.
The brunette vampire throws Giles over her shoulder and as she straightens up, Willow comes up behind her and stakes her. Giles grabs for his own stake.
The blonde vampire shoves Xander to the ground and tries to get on top of him but he gets his feet on her stomach and kicks her backward. He gets up and lunges at her but she deflects him and throws him against a crypt. He staggers to his feet and she puts her hand on his neck and shoves him back against the crypt.
Giles lunges forward, shoves the vampire out of the way and raises his stake as if to stab Xander.
XANDER: Human chest! Human chest!
GILES: Sorry!The blonde vamp gets up, shoves Willow away as she approaches. Willow falls to the ground again. The vampire goes to where Giles and Xander are still standing by the crypt and shoves them up against it with one hand on each of their chests. They stare at her in alarm. Willow runs up behind the vampire and stakes her.
The guys gasp and pant as Willow begins to grin.
GILES: My god, what a rough night.
WILLOW: (giggling, grabbing at Xander) I just did two of 'em! Yay on me! (giggles in exhilaration)Xander grins. The guys come on either side of Willow and they begin to walk off.
WILLOW: That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified and ... and now my knees are all dizzy.
Giles stops them as he spots something on the ground and bends over to pick it up. It turns out to be his glasses.
XANDER: Not so much a big success night for me. (They resume walking as Giles begins cleaning his glasses on his shirt) But I think I should get points just for showing up. Unlike some Riley Finn who shall remain unnamed.
GILES: Yes, that was disappointing. Things would have been easier if he'd been here. (Puts glasses on)
WILLOW: Oh, piffle, who needs him when I'm dusting two at a ti- (She suddenly staggers and they catch her, each grabbing an arm) Whoops. (smiles nervously at Xander) Maybe it would've been good if ... he'd shown up.
GILES: Perhaps he forgot.They walk off.
Cut to: exterior shot of an alley, doorway of what could be an abandoned warehouse.
Cut to inside. It's littered with random pieces of furniture and debris. Pan across the dark room to where Riley is sitting on an old armchair or couch. A female vampire is crouched next to him, drinking blood from his outstretched arm. She lifts her head and smiles at him. Riley is stone-faced. The vampire returns to feeding, gripping Riley's arm in both hands. He stares off into the darkness.Wolf howl. Opening credits.
Guest starring Charlie Weber, Nick Chinlund, Kevin Weisman, Randy Thompson, Amber Benson as Tara and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner, directed by David Solomon.
Act I
Fade in on hospital. Joyce is reading in bed while Buffy and Dawn are doing something at a nearby table. Willow enters with a large colorful paper bag.
WILLOW: Care package! Special delivery for the Summers girls. (Puts the bag on the bed next to Joyce. Dawn comes running over, as Buffy follows more slowly) Now, let's see what I have in this sack of mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger and female and, well, Jewish. (Joyce smiles as Willow reaches into the bag) This (to Dawn) is an extra-special gift for your mom, that I know she'll need. (pulls it out) A beer hat! See, i-it's got cup holders, and a straw that goes directly into your mouth, and (to Joyce) you can fill it with other stuff than beer. And somehow, when I was in the store this seemed like the most important idea (Buffy and Dawn smile at each other. Buffy is holding a cup) and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.
JOYCE: It's perfect. Thank you, Willow. You're very sweet.Willow hands the beer hat to Dawn.
WILLOW: Now, let's see, who's next? Dawn, I believe I have something in here for you...Joyce is now holding the cup. She puts her hand to her head and grimaces. Buffy looks concerned.
BUFFY: (quietly) Headache?Dawn stops smiling.
JOYCE: Just a little one. (smiles) A biggish little one. (Willow stops going through the bag, looks concerned) I'm fine! Go on, what else is in that sack of goodies, Willow?
WILLOW: All right. Dawn, to keep you busy.She takes out a book marked "Spells" and hands it to Dawn, who smiles in delight.
DAWN: Ooh, spells! Thank you, Willow!She hurries over to a nearby chair and sits down to read. Buffy folds her arms and looks at Willow.
BUFFY: You got her a book on spells. (Willow stops smiling) The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to ... break things by looking at them?
WILLOW: Oh, well, it doesn't actually have spells in it. Just history, and anecdotes, stuff like that.Shot of Dawn quietly reading the book.
WILLOW: Oh, Buffy- (reaches into bag) I have this for you. (Pulls out a large textbook called "World History" and gives it to Buffy)
BUFFY: Homework? (pouts) Oh. I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa any more.
WILLOW: (smiling) And a yo-yo. (Pulls yo-yo out of bag and gives it to Buffy)
BUFFY: (smiling) Thank you.
WILLOW: The book is just in case you get a chance to look it over.Shot of Joyce looking thoughtful.
WILLOW: (OS) We're doing World War One now. The last exam was really pretty easy, just underlying causes and trench foot. So it should be no hassle to make it up-
BUFFY: (sighs) I don't even know if I'm gonna take that exam.
JOYCE: (scowling) I'd rip it in half and stick it in bed with me!The girls look confused. Dawn looks up from her book.
BUFFY: (tentatively) Mom?
Joyce looks confused.
JOYCE: You know, I think I'm gonna take a little rest now.She hands her cup to Buffy as Willow packs up her bag. Buffy puts the cup on a nearby table as Joyce lies back in bed.
BUFFY: Okay. We'll be right outside if you need us.Dawn gets up and they leave. Joyce smiles after them, then lies back and closes her eyes.
Cut to hallway. Dawn looks anxious as Buffy closes the door behind herself.
DAWN: (to Willow) What was she talking about? I mean, that was weird.
WILLOW: She's gonna be fine.
BUFFY: (joins them) It's okay. I'm sorry, the doctor spoke to me, and uh, I should have told you. Um, the, the thing that's pressing on her brain, sometimes it, it might make her say weird things.
DAWN: Does she know she's saying them?
BUFFY: Not really. It's sort of like a flash, you know, but you saw her two seconds afterward. She was normal.
WILLOW: And after the operation, no more pressing. She'll be all normal all the time.Buffy and Willow take Dawn's arms and they begin to walk down the hall.
DAWN: (to Buffy) Is that right?
BUFFY: Hey, Santa doesn't lie.
Dawn and Willow smile.As they walk down the hall, a man passes them going the other way with three women. He brushes Buffy.
BUFFY: Oh, excuse me.
MAN: Careful, the facts say a-a picnic is in order.It's the security guard from the warehouse (see episode "No Place Like Home"). He turns around to look back at the three girls.
GUARD: What is that thing?
He points at Dawn and walks back toward them, becoming agitated. The three women with him exchange a worried look.
GUARD: There-there's no data. There's no pictures on this one there!He continues pointing at Dawn. She looks scared. The guard's wife comes forward.
GUARD: What is the data? (scared) There's no one in there.
DAWN: (scared) Buffy?
BUFFY: (grabs Dawn and turns her away) Come on, honey. Don't worry about it.Buffy and Willow stare over their shoulders as they hustle Dawn away. The guard turns to his wife.
GUARD: I'm going home? (Wife nods) Home? Home, home, home.His wife escorts him away. Buffy, Dawn, and Willow turn back to look.
DAWN: What's wrong with him? (Shot of the guard being led away by his wife and daughters) Is it like Mom? A thing in his head?
BUFFY: (staring after the guard) I don't think so, I-I think it's, it's different. Don't, don't worry about it. (Brushes hair back from Dawn's face)Ben approaches.
BEN: I guess I missed that, was he bothering you?
BUFFY: Hey Ben, uh, this is my friend Willow.
BEN: Hi.
WILLOW: Hi. (They shake hands)
BUFFY: And, uh, yeah, the crazy man was a little ... you know, crazy, but it's okay. (Dawn still looks shaken) Are they really gonna send him home?
BEN: Don't get me started. The mental ward's booked beyond capacity, literally nowhere to put them, so the ones with families, they're letting 'em go home. Like his family's gonna be able to take care of him. He has to have someone to watch him 24-7! (looks at Dawn) What was he saying to you?
DAWN: I-
BUFFY: Oh, he was just babbling.Cut to: aerial shot of Sunnydale, night. Pan across roofs and treetops.
Cut to: roof of a UCS dorm building. Willow and Tara are lying side-by-side on their backs on a sleeping bag, with pillows under their heads and another sleeping bag covering them.WILLOW: You know what's weird?
TARA: Japanese commercials are weird.
WILLOW: Yes. And also, you know some of the stars we're looking at ... don't even exist any more? In the time that it takes for their light to reach us, they've died. Exploded. (Tara turns her head to look at Willow) Poof.
TARA: Were, um ... were things rough at the hospital?Willow frowns and shrugs.
WILLOW: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but ... they made me feel like ... like I was in space ... part of the stars. (points) There's ... Canis Minor ... and ... (points) and Cassiopeia.
TARA: (smiles, points) And the big pineapple.
Willow frowns.
WILLOW: Hmm. You know, I'm not sure I remember that one.
TARA: Oh, it's, it's a major one. (points) See those three bright stars right over there?Willow moves over to put her head on Tara's shoulder and look along Tara's pointing arm. Shot of the starry sky with Tara's finger pointing.
WILLOW: Yeah.
TARA: And see those stars along there? (Shot of the stars) That's the bottom of the pineapple.
WILLOW: It's big.
TARA: Hence the name. (pause) The real ones never made sense to me, I ... sort of have my own.
WILLOW: Teach me.
TARA: (points) See those stars over there? "Short man looking uncomfortable."
They both giggle.
TARA: Uh... (points) "Moose getting a sponge bath." Umm... "little pile o'crackers." (Willow frowns) Tha-that was a bit of a stretch. (They both laugh) You do it. What would you call ... mm, that one? (points)
WILLOW: Hmm, let's see.Shot of the starry sky. One of the stars suddenly enlarges and streaks toward the earth, trailing a golden tail.
WILLOW: A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something!
They scramble to their feet as the thing flies past them and lands somewhere in the distance. A burst of light momentarily flashes from behind trees.
Cut to: Darkness. Bits of flaming rubble slowly appear as we see from the perspective of something digging its way out of something. The camera moves jerkily as the something looks around, finds itself in a trench carved by the passage of the meteor. Our perspective rises as we climb up out of the trench and find rocky earth, surrounded by trees. In the distance we see the security guard walking toward us, alone.
GUARD: (muttering to himself) I know what I said. I said-I said I won't go away far. A person needs to respect a man.
We see the guard from the perspective of something low to the earth, moving swiftly toward him.
GUARD: And then it says ... that... the facts says... he's got to go take a walk and get some fresh air and find some fresh spaces.
He continues mumbling as we see from the perspective of something climbing a tree.
GUARD: ...and some fresh space! And needs to walk to get ... to get where he's going.
Suddenly something drops down from the tree onto his back. It's a creature with a wrinkly gray face, cloven hooves, and a carapace like a cockroach's. The guard yells and falls to the ground. Blackout.
Act II
Exterior hospital, night. Paramedics take a gurney from an ambulance and wheel it into the emergency room. Hospital noises.
As they wheel the patient inside, we see the alien creature crawling along the ceiling above them. Shot of its face. Its eyes are red and its mouth is like a big circle ringed with long yellow teeth. It is hairless.
Shot of the paramedics from the creature's point of view. Its vision appears slightly curved as if looking through a lens.
Cut to: Joyce in her hospital bed, holding the nurse call button, pushing the button again and again.
JOYCE: (irritated) This thing doesn't work! It isn't working!
BUFFY: I'm sure they heard you. (Takes the call button from Joyce and puts it aside. We see Dawn in the background reading.)
JOYCE: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push buttons at the crosswalk that are supposed to make the signal change.
BUFFY: I'm sure someone's on - What, the push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?The doctor enters.
JOYCE: Oh, tell him, Buffy. Tell him, okay?
BUFFY: Look, Dr. Kriegel, we wanna go home.
DR. KRIEGEL: Well, of course. You can come back and visit your mother first thing in the morning.
BUFFY: No. We. I-I mean, all of us. My mom too.Joyce looks anxiously at the doctor and nods.
DR. KRIEGEL: Oh. Well, I understand that, but it's not necessarily the first thing I'd recommend.
JOYCE: I can't! I-I can't stay here waiting for two days for this operation, I just can't. (Doctor sighs) It makes my head hurt to be here, can't you tell that?
DR. KRIEGEL: Joyce, there's no reason to get upset.
JOYCE: No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!Dawn looks upset. Joyce calms down slightly.
BUFFY: Here, Dawn, why don't you get something from the machine?
Buffy hands Dawn some money. She takes it and leaves, looking apprehensive.
JOYCE: (softly to Buffy) I-I'm sorry I said that, I'm just tired.
BUFFY: I know. Listen, Doctor, I don't see why we can't take her home, you know, just until... (gestures) I-I mean, wouldn't it be better for her to rest someplace where she felt safe and comfortable?
DR. KRIEGEL: Even if it would mean some work for you, taking care of her?
JOYCE: (sighs and leans back in bed) Oh, thank god.
BUFFY: I'll do it, anything.
DR. KRIEGEL: (sighs, shakes his head) There are medications to administer, I'd have to go over those with you, and I'd need for you to check her vitals, watch her pretty closely. I'm afraid you won't get a lot of sleep.
BUFFY: (shrugs) I'm not much of a sleep person anyway.
JOYCE: (anxiously) Can we go now? (starts to get out of bed) Let's go now!
BUFFY: Oh, hold on! (stops her) Lemme get all the medications and all the instructions on how to do everything.
DR. KRIEGEL: She's right. Let's do this right. We don't wanna forget anything.
Joyce sighs.Cut to: Dawn sitting in the hallway reading her book. Shot of her from overhead, in the alien creature's point of view. Shot of Dawn reading as we see the creature crawling along the ceiling above her head.
Cut to: Willow and Tara walking through forest, night. Then we see Riley, Xander, Anya, and Giles walki